Backfire
by Xeldablade
Summary: When Jim Kirk pulls a prank on Nyota Uhura, it backfires a bit… but in the best way possible. (Kirk and Uhura friendship, aka space bffs. Mentions of Spock x Uhura)
**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. (and if I did, then the movies would revolve around Spock and Uhura, tbh)**

* * *

As professional and compassionate the Captain was while on duty, James Tiberius Kirk was often considered to be borderline ruthless when it came to pranks.

Ever since his youth in Iowa, Kirk had always known to be feared when a prank of his went underway. And everyone around him could tell when he was planning one: he was unusually quiet on those days, a certain gleam came to his eyes, and a smirk appeared on his face that he couldn't completely disguise. He may not have been the toughest, most brawny kid in his classes, but it didn't take long for his peers to realize that you did _not_ want James T. Kirk as an enemy.

A noteworthy victim of said pranks who could testify for these claims would be Jake Finnegan, an upperclassmen that Kirk was constantly berated by in his first year at Starfleet Academy. Kirk had grown so weary with such injustice that all it took was the slip of an unusually strong laxative, provided by a hesitant Leonard McCoy (who actually had access to such medical provisions), into Finnegan's lunch one sunny afternoon, the week before final exams. Needless to say, this earned Kirk the honor of one of the top places in the Academy's tacit Practical Joke Hall of Fame…as it also earned Finnegan the opportunity to study in the barriers of his dorm room's bathroom for the rest of the week.

Kirk's ability to conceal fraudulency to perform such pranks had increased over the years. His determination and finesse had improved significantly, as well as the unpredictability and agility that are required in order to carry out these tasks.

Perhaps this is why Nyota Uhura is as unsuspecting as she is.

And as Jim Kirk's door chimes approximately five minutes after he enters his quarters, he can no longer suppress a smile just before he opens the doors, already knowing who he is about to greet on the other side.

"Kirk," Uhura says firmly, abandoning any formalities that she normally wouldn't ignore, despite the fact that they're off duty. It had been a long day for the both of them, since they had to be on the bridge much longer than the other senior officers due to a rudimentary, yet incredibly tedious diplomatic transmission. She stared at him with her no-nonsense face.

"Oh, hey Nyota," he says casually, obviously pleased with himself. His tone reeked of feigned innocence. He checked the time; 0137 hours. "Is there something I can help you with at this late hour?"

Her furrowed brow softens. She knows that he wants her to be angry and frustrated, so she chooses not to give him the satisfaction. "As a matter of fact, there is." She continues to look at him, waiting for his expression to change, but his look of content does not waver. "You see, _somehow_ , somebody must have gotten into my room and played a prank on me."

Kirk crossed his arms, and pretended to be in deep thought. "Well, that's strange. There's only a few people on this ship that could override access like that."

She nodded slowly, trying not to explode. "Yes, _Captain_ , I am aware."

"I'll be sure to launch a full investigation first thing in the morning." He smiled wider at her now, to which she didn't respond. "So what was the prank, anyways?"

"Well, either someone decided to store cow manure in my room, or they set off some kind of stink bomb. I could smell it before the doors were even completely open."

"Now that you mention it, I think I recall hearing a rumor that Bones had a pet cow in his quarters. But don't worry, I'll look into that for you." He patted her on the shoulder slightly harder than necessary.

Now it was Uhura's turn to smile sweetly. "Oh _thank you Captain_ , you're just _amazing_. But I have one more favor to ask you."

"Anything for you, Nyota."

"Seeing as my room is…inhabitable at the moment, I need a place to stay tonight. Have any extra room?"

Suddenly, Kirk's face faltered. He hadn't expected this. He was so busy messing with her that he didn't even notice she was carrying a pillow and small bag with her, presumably holding her toothbrush and other various toiletries.

"W-what?"

"Well I have nowhere else to go, so unless you want to me to sleep in the turbolift…?"

His eyebrows contorted to match the expression of confusion. "Why don't you go to Spock's quarters?"

"He's meditating tonight, and I don't want to disturb him."

 _Oh, right_ , Kirk thought. He knew that, because he heard Spock mention that briefly to Uhura at lunch earlier in the day. In fact, that's why he set the stink bomb when he did, because he knew she'd be in her quarters.

He wondered what Spock would be thinking right about now. Would he be okay with this, especially since this is Nyota's idea? He was sure it would be fine, but still…he knew better than to get on the bad side of a Vulcan. Anybody that has superior strength and can take you down with a simple squeeze to the shoulder is someone you want to get along with. He learned that the hard way.

"Spock wouldn't mind, I promise," she said, seeming to read his mind. "He trusts you. Well, _now_ he does, anyways."

Kirk was still speechless. He was so caught off-guard at this proposal that he found himself unable to find words. A sensation that he was not particularly accustomed to.

"Everyone else is probably asleep by now, so I don't know where else to go," she continued, and pouted her lip. "Please?"

He rolled his eyes facetiously. "Fine," he relented. "But we're not staying up too late. Remember we have a meeting at 0800 hours tomorrow morning."

"Of course," she said with a quick nod.

As she walked in, she looked to her captain and said quietly, "Didn't expect your plan to backfire like this, did you?"

She passed him and walked to the couch with a small hop in her step, pleased that she was able to surprise the great prankster as well as she did. She knew she probably could have gone to Spock's room and he wouldn't have minded much, or even gone to sickbay to sleep if she needed; but the prospect of seeing the confusion on Jim's face had just been too good to pass up.

* * *

0148 Hours

Kirk was bewildered that it had been several minutes, and Uhura was _still_ in the bathroom. How long did it take her to brush her teeth?

"Are you almost done yet?" he asked from the edge of his bed, looking up from the PADD that he had been reading.

The door to the bathroom opened, and Uhura emerged wearing gray sweatpants and an oversized Starfleet Academy sweatshirt. Her face was covered in a green face mask, rendering her to look nearly unrecognizable. She pulled her toothbrush out of her mouth and asked, "What's the rush? It's _your_ fault I'm even here, remember?"

Kirk pretended to shield his eyes and gasped. "Oh no, you're even more hideous than I thought! Please put you're mask back on, and don't hurt me! I-I'll do anything!"

"Ha ha, very funny. For your information, this is a moisturizing mask. Remember, not all of us can wake up looking as _perfect_ as you." Even though she was being sarcastic, it was still difficult for her to say those words. She could practically see his ego grow right in front of her eyes.

"Well, can't argue with that," he said. "But don't worry, I've dealt with worse than that green skin of yours, trust me."

"What do you mean?" she asked, turning back to the sink to finish brushing her teeth.

"Let's just say I've seen a Tellarite up close and personal, and let me tell you—"

"Wait," Uhura said, interrupting him. "You mean to tell me that you've slept with a _Tellarite_?"

Kirk didn't respond or look at her; he could tell that she was absolutely beaming by the way she said, "Oh my god, what the hell was that even like?"

He shook his head. "Just as pleasant as it sounds."

Uhura doubled over in laughter, and Kirk couldn't help but join in.

* * *

0203 Hours

Uhura laid back on her makeshift bed on Kirk's couch, finishing up the last few sentences she was reading on her PADD. He was doing the same, trying to quickly catch up on reports made throughout the day. He had already dimmed the lights, eager to get to sleep as soon as possible.

Shutting down her device and getting ready for bed, she asked, "You don't usually play music in the mornings, do you?"

Without looking up he said, "No, why?"

"Oh nothing, just didn't want to hear your… _interesting_ music choices first thing in the morning." She settled back into her bed and bid him goodnight.

It took him a few seconds to realize what she had just said. He looked up from his PADD to her direction. "Wait, _what_? Computer, lights on!"

She sighed as her eyes squinted in the bright light.

"What did you just say?"

"Well it's not exactly a secret that you don't have the best taste in music."

Kirk was baffled. "What are you talking about?"

Uhura groaned slightly and sat up to look at him. "Haven't you ever noticed that nobody ever lets you choose the music at staff parties? Or on shore leave?"

"But…but I like good music! The Beastie Boys? Run-D.M.C? Public Enemy?"

She rolled her eyes. _Here we go again._

"You know what?" he continued. "We're listening to this, right now. I'll show you who has good taste in music!"

"But—" she began, but stopped herself. She knew that her being tired wouldn't be enough of a reason to stop Jim Kirk. The only other excuse she could think of was that he would wake up other people in nearby rooms.

But they both knew perfectly well that these walls were soundproof.

* * *

0240 Hours

"Please," she begged, "please make it stop."

"But this is a good song!"

"That's what you've said for the past _eleven_ songs you've played. It's time to turn it off. Please."

Kirk checked the time and took a long breath before speaking. "Fine," he said reluctantly. "But this discussion isn't over. Computer, stop music."

The sweet silence that Uhura had been praying for finally surrounded them. _Thank the heavens_ , she thought.

It wasn't until she had actually laid down again and closed her eyes that she realized she wasn't tired anymore. Somewhere between the music playing and Kirk's overly obnoxious serenading, her fatigue seemed to ebb away, leaving her with a certain wakefulness that she hadn't expected.

 _Damn you, Kirk._ She wasn't going to let him get away with this.

So just before he gave the computer the demand to turn the lights off, she sat up and looked at him with a sly smile. If he was going to keep her awake when she was tired, then she would do the same to him.

"So," she started, knowing well how difficult it would be for Jim Kirk to give up the chance of talking more. "Tell me more about this Tellarite."

* * *

0318 Hours

"I just can't picture it."

"Picture what?"

"You know, you and Spock. Isn't dating a Vulcan…you know…bland?"

Uhura smiled from where she sat crisscrossed on Kirk's bed. She moved there once his recollection of certain past 'relationships' became increasingly entertaining to listen to. Many of his stories were interesting and hilarious, though most of them he described with obvious distaste.

"Spock isn't _bland_. I'll have you know that we have many very stimulating conversations together. He is only half-Vulcan, after all."

"I guess," he said unconvinced. "But is that it? All you do is talk? Maybe get crazy some nights and play Tridimensional Chess?"

"Sometimes…" she said with a smirk. "Although it's more fun when we play Strip Chess."

Kirk's eyes widened as he sat up to look at her, his face plastered with wonderment. "No way."

She nodded. "Way."

"Bull _shit_ ," he said, still in disbelief. "Spock plays Strip Chess? Wait, how does that even work?"

"Just how you think it would work," she explained. "You take out an opponent's piece, then they have to remove one article of clothing. It was my idea, but he didn't seem too opposed to it."

"Yeah, I'll bet!" He eyed her a bit before asking, "So…have you ever won a game of Strip Chess?"

"Once or twice," she said proudly. "Which is pretty impressive because I think he's gotten better at it…now that he has more of an incentive to win." She shrugged. "At least I don't ever have to worry about him letting me win."

Kirk shook his head, still trying to wrap his head around this information. He knew that Spock was half human, but he never would have guessed he'd be so…unreserved. Perhaps Vulcans could be more easily persuaded than he'd realized.

Or maybe Spock's love for Nyota was more powerful than he realized. Kirk knew that Vulcans had the ability to experience incredibly strong emotions, but he associated those emotions to pain or anger; not love.

Regardless, he concluded that he didn't know Vulcans or his first officer nearly as well as he thought he did.

He looked at her with raised eyebrows and spoke with his mock flirtatious voice. "Well, since we're not doing anything else at the moment, maybe you could teach me how to—"

"No."

* * *

0342 Hours

"Wait, I really never told you this story?"

Uhura shook her head. "Nope. Spill."

Kirk gave a short sigh. "Well, one day I was really pissed off at my stepfather. I don't remember why though…maybe I just looked at his face. His face tended to piss me off a lot. Anyways, I stole his Corvette and drove it into a quarry, and I barely managed to jump out of it in time."

Uhura's jaw dropped. "Really? Jim that's stupid, even for you. Did you get hurt?"

"Oh not at all, but that's the best part of the story. Once the police brought me back to the house, my stepfather gave me the incredibly harsh lecture I was waiting for, screaming right in my face. I started to get sick of it and just turned around and went back outside. Out of anger, I picked up a brick a few feet from the house and in a moment of sheer brilliance, I threw it at the window.

"Except, I missed the window. It hit the wall about a foot from where I was aiming. The next thing I knew the brick shattered, and a big piece of it bounced back and hit me right above the eye. I had to get four stitches because of that."

Uhura laughed. "So you can drive a car over a cliff and survive, but you can't throw a brick properly." She shook her head. "I can't say I feel bad for you, though. I've had my fair share of stupid injuries as well."

"Really?" Kirk asked, surprised. "Like what?"

She thought for a moment. "For example, I remember one time when I was probably around seven years old. I wanted to find a quiet place to read, so I climbed up my favorite tree. It also just so happened to be the tallest tree in a mile radius, a little over 20 feet high. So I got to the top, sat down and got really comfortable, my mind set completely on reading the book I was holding…and then I fell asleep."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes. The next thing I knew I was falling to the ground, and then I was being taken to the hospital. I ended up breaking my left arm."

He chuckled. "You're right, that is pretty stupid. But not as stupid as dropping a hot frying pan on your foot because you were trying to flip pancakes like a professional chef."

She sat up straighter, realizing that he had initiated some sort of competition. "Okay, well one time when I was ten years old, all my friends were swimming in a nearby river one summer day and told me to join. They were a little further down than I was, but I didn't think anything of it. So I dive into the river, but instead of going gracefully through the water like I expected, I accidentally dove where the water was shallow, only about two feet deep. I had many lasting bruises after that."

"In class once, I sneezed so hard that a smacked my head right on my desk and gave myself a broken and bloody nose."

"My second year at the Academy, I was wearing these really high heels for a night out into the city. But I accidentally stepped onto a grate and the heel went right into it, causing me to land right on my tailbone. I had to sit on a pillow for weeks, even in my classes."

"One night after midterms, Bones and I went out to get drinks, and I got really, really drunk. I ordered another drink which had a straw, and instead of drinking from it, I missed my mouth and somehow managed to jab it right into my eye."

Uhura giggled, but right before she was about to speak Kirk held up his hand to stop her and said, "Wait, there's more. So Bones, being the good doctor that he is, wanted to use a flashlight and look at my eye to make sure everything was okay. The problem was, none of us actually had a flashlight. And in my drunken state, I thought it would be okay to go through some woman's purse sitting near us to see if she had one. Eventually I found one, and decided to help Bones out by shining it right into my for him. Except, it wasn't a flashlight."

Uhura waited.

"…It was pepper spray."

The room filled with Uhura's laughter, which went on for several minutes. Through a tear-stained face and desperate gasps of air, he was able to decipher her asking, "You… _pepper sprayed_ yourself?"

"Wait," Kirk continued, "there's more. As I was temporarily blind from the burning in my eyes _and_ incredibly drunk, I managed to fall over and hit my head right on the bar. I had to be transported directly to the Academy's ICU. Bones later told me I had had a concussion." He paused. "Yeah, it wasn't the best night of my life."

Uhura put her hands up in surrender. "Okay, I can't top that. You win, Jim."

Kirk laughed at his own past misery. He didn't feel like he had won anything at all.

* * *

0421 Hours

Uhura checked the time warily. "Oh, this is bad."

"What?"

"Do you realize we have that meeting in less than four hours?"

"…Shit."

"And I'm not even tired. Are you?"

"Nope."

She sighed. "We need to try to get _some_ sleep, though."

"Agreed."

"Would you stop with the one-word answers?"

"Sorry." She gave him a look, and he smirked back at her.

His eyes suddenly lit up. "I have an idea!" He walked briskly to the replicator. "Sulu and I were discussing this at lunch the other day. He says he drinks chamomile tea on stressful nights to help him relax. He said I tend to overwork myself sometimes and should give it a try."

"Chamomile tea?" Uhura asked as she stood up, uncertain of the claim. "No, everybody knows that it's _warm milk_ that's supposed to help you relax."

Kirk shrugged. "That's just what Sulu said." He grabbed the tea from the replicator, and Uhura gave his drink a disapproving look. "Tell you what. I'll drink this, you drink your precious milk, and we'll just see which one works better. Agreed?"

Another competition, she decided. "Your on."

She briefly thought that it might be too late (or early, rather) to be eating or drinking anything, but desperate times called for desperate measures. It had now been hours since she had brushed her teeth, and the minty taste had long since left her mouth.

* * *

0446 Hours

Uhura had returned to the couch, only a little more tired than what she had been before. Kirk still held his cup in his hand, even though it was empty. He looked out the window and at the distant stars that passed by as the ship continued it's warp velocity.

She noticed him gazing into space and remarked, "It never gets old, does it?"

She said it as more of a statement than a question, but he answers regardless. "Never." There's a brief pause. "I'll never forget seeing the Enterprise actually in space for the first time. It was like…everything we'd been working for finally seemed real."

"Not for me," she said. "I don't know why, but for me, the simulations we did at the Academy always seemed as real as it could get."

"No kidding?" Kirk was shocked. He always felt the simulations were a glorified way of testing. He took them seriously, of course, but he never truly felt like he was really in space.

"Absolutely." She looked down at her empty glass and muttered, "And that includes that _damn_ Kobayashi Maru test."

"Well, I wasn't too fond of that one either."

She sighed and met his eyes. "I still remember the first time I took it very vividly. I just felt so miserable at the end of it."

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't win it."

He furrowed his brow. "But all cadets know it's impossible to win it…and that still bothered you?"

"Like I said, simulations always made me feel like I was really on a starship. And during the test, it just felt like no matter what I did or how hard I tried…people were going to die. And that alone made me feel so heartbroken." She shook her head. "I would have done anything to save them."

Kirk never dwelled on that test too much. He understood the circumstances and the actual possibilities the test presented. But when he failed the Kobayashi Maru, he felt like he failed only a test. To Uhura, it felt like she had failed her crewmates and herself. He had no idea she had been so passionate about a simulation.

"Well if you don't agree with it, maybe you could talk to the guy that programmed it. I heard he's a real piece of work, though."

She smiled. "I understand _why_ they administer the test. But that doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Does that mean you liked my little solution to it, then?"

She rolled her eyes. "While I don't agree with how you handled it, I must admit…you did save me from feeling a little remorse afterwards."

Kirk had always known Uhura had a good heart, but even this was something of an eye-opener to him. He was glad he was able to spare her some grief from the test, even if to him, it was only a test. But he understood why she took it so seriously. Now they were actually on a starship, travelling at warp speed, where literally anything could happen. The inevitability of such a scenario frightened him. Internally, he promised to do his best to never put his friend or the rest of the crew into that kind of situation ever again.

He would do everything he could in order to avoid a no-win scenario.

* * *

0503 Hours

Nyota Uhura had won the competition; she was the first to fall asleep.

Kirk got up and pulled a blanket over her shoulders. He thought about the first time they met, and how the girl back then wouldn't even give him the time of day, let alone her full name. That was probably the smartest thing to do back then, to be fair. That girl would have never went to his quarters and asked to spend the night. And that guy would have never thought he could talk to her all night, like they were brother and sister, and had known each other their whole lives.

As Kirk laid back on his bed, he wondered if he and Nyota were good friends in Spock Prime's universe. Since the Romulans wouldn't have disrupted that timeline, he couldn't help but speculate how differently things would be. Did they meet in a bar? Did he hit on her there, too? Did she reject him?

He also thought about his friendships with other crewmates. He knew the other Jim had been close with Spock because of the mind meld, but he didn't know much more than that. Was he close friends with Bones? …Did he even _call_ him 'Bones'? Would all of the same crew members be serving on the Enterprise?

He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He had concluded a long time ago that it wouldn't do any good to dwell on a world that doesn't technically exist. But still, sometimes he couldn't help but speculate…

 _Stop it_ , he disciplined himself. He decided one of the first things he would do tomorrow, even before the meeting, was consult the ship's pilot. _'Chamomile tea helps you relax,' my ass…_ Sulu was going to get an earful.

But he fell asleep before he could decide what exactly he'd say.

* * *

0700 Hours

Uhura woke to bright lights and an unpleasant sound imploding her eardrums. Struggling to open her eyes, she was able to catch a glimpse of Kirk, who hadn't looked like he'd even moved from his bed.

But she did notice, however, below his sleepy gaze was a huge smile aimed right at her.

He lowered the music for a moment to tell her, "I told you our discussion wasn't over."

"I hate you so much," she mumbled before squishing her pillow around her head, desperate to abolish the noise coming from the room.

So he turned up the music louder.

 _Damn you, Kirk_ , she thought to herself again. It was something she thought on a regular basis, but this had to break the record for the earliest it had crossed her mind.

* * *

Kirk learned that Uhura was _not_ a morning person. Or at least not a morning person after only two hours of sleep, but then again that was probably true for most people.

After getting ready for the day, they walked together to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. He learned that she drank it with so much milk and sugar, that it was barely even coffee anymore.

She learned that, despite fatigue (and injury, considering past experiences), James T. Kirk was never unwilling to embrace the captaincy with his full respect and undivided attention. During the meeting at 0800 hours, he took his role seriously and executed his command expertly as needed.

She couldn't help but notice that she acted in a very similar way in regards to her job; when she was on the bridge at her communications station, she was able to lose herself in her work. She focused on her numerous tasks, such as translations and relays of various Federation transmissions, never wavering devotion from her assignments. She concluded that perhaps it was this similar dedication to their duties and the ship itself that made Jim and her such good friends.

Although they were able to perform their jobs without a fault, both Doctor McCoy and First Officer Spock noticed the lack of their usual energy and interest in discussions at lunch. After being questioned, Kirk reluctantly explained what happened, knowing Bones would probably have a fit.

…And Kirk was right.

What had only caused Spock to exercise his signature eyebrow lift that inferred his confusion to illogical human behavior, McCoy seemed almost outraged. After the Doctor's scolding of basic human needs, and the extraordinary amount of effort it took for neither Kirk or Uhura to merely even crack a smile during his monologue, word had spread about what happened the night before.

And whether it was to test and see how exasperated they could make Bones without spontaneously combusting, or because it was just that much fun, they decided to do it again.

They usually had these nights together about twice a month, sometimes even more frequently. They invited others to join in on these get-togethers, and were eventually able to convince Chekov to participate. After his first night, the young Russian was able to persuade Sulu to take part as well, expressing how enjoyable it was.

The nights with these four were not unlike the first one with only Kirk and Uhura. Jokes were made, songs were sung, sometimes even secret handshakes were initiated. Their conversations ranged anywhere from their strangest nightmares, to their funniest drunk stories, to the worst first dates they'd ever experienced.

The others had no idea how she was able to do it, but Uhura had managed to, with much coaxing and what could only be described as bribery, somehow influence Spock to partake in these festivities, also. It was a rare occurrence when he did, but the others enjoyed his company and came to appreciate his acquirement of human sarcasm and consummate banter. He would never admit it verbally, but Uhura could tell Spock thought positively to these gatherings, as well.

And on those rare occasions, when they all met in the Captain's quarters, and there was no spatial anomaly, no medical emergencies in sickbay, and no engineering catastrophes on the ship, then Scotty and—to Kirk's own amazement—Bones would accompany them as well. Of course McCoy made occasional remarks of ensuring everyone else's wellbeing and threatening to use hypos should they ignore him and stay up too late, but they all knew that deep down, he enjoyed himself as much as the others.

It was these types of nights, these moments, that Kirk loved the most. He would look at his fellow Starfleet officers and watch them have fun together. Oftentimes he would tune out of the conversation, listening only to their laughter as he watched the stars pass by his window. He thought about how lucky he was, knowing that space was enormous and vacant and infinite, and yet his family was right here, all in one place, no more than a few steps away from his own self.

Eventually the lights turn dark, and the other six are sprawled out in various arrangements across the floor, fast asleep. And there's only one thought Kirk thinks to himself before closing his eyes: If all of his pranks would backfire like the one he pulled on Nyota, then maybe he should do them more often.

* * *

 **So I'm pretty sure that Strip Chess is the most ingenious thing I've ever some up with, not gonna lie.**


End file.
